Why Shouting Up the Stairs Isn’t Working and How to Build Respect and Resilience

Picture this: You’re sitting in the comfort of your armchair, calling up the stairs, asking your kids to tidy their rooms, put down their screens, or come for dinner. Sound familiar? If you're met with silence, frustration, or a begrudging response, you’re not alone. Many parents fall into the habit of “armchair parenting”—giving instructions from a distance. But if we want our children to pay attention, we need to change our approach. After all, just like us, our kids are wired for connection, and that connection is the foundation of respect and resilience.

In today's world, children are constantly told what to do, from the moment they wake up to the sound of a morning alarm, to the bell signaling a change of class at school, to the “advice” they receive from social media on how they should live. By the time they get home, it's easy for them to tune out parental requests, especially if those requests are delivered from another room. But if we expect our children to really listen and engage, we need to do the same for them. Being present—physically, mentally, and emotionally—makes all the difference. This not only fosters respect but also builds resilience, a crucial skill for navigating life’s inevitable challenges.

The Importance of Being Present

If you want your children to take notice of what you're asking them to do, you must first take notice of them. Shouting instructions from a distance reinforces the idea that you’re not fully engaged in the interaction. And if we’re not fully engaged with our children, how can we expect them to be engaged with us? Physical presence, eye contact, and active listening show your child that they matter. This kind of mindful interaction is foundational in building respect—and it also lays the groundwork for resilience.

Resilience starts with connection. Children who feel connected to their parents are more likely to take on challenges because they know they have a strong support system behind them. When we’re present and engaged, we teach our children that they are not alone, that their thoughts and feelings matter, and that they have the capacity to navigate difficulties with our support.

Here are some top tips for shifting from armchair parenting to fostering real, engaged connections with your kids:

1. Be in the Room

It may seem obvious, but one of the most important things you can do is be physically present when giving instructions or discussing something important. When you ask your child to do something, be there in person. It's tempting to shout instructions from across the house or up the stairs, but this often leads to frustration on both sides. By showing up, you communicate that what you're asking is important, and—more crucially—that they are important. This small shift can create a significant change in how your child responds to requests and how they perceive your relationship.

How This Builds Resilience:

Being physically present teaches children that important conversations happen face-to-face. It helps them understand the value of personal responsibility. When they see that you’re engaged and present, they’re more likely to internalize the importance of responsibility and begin to hold themselves accountable. Being present also shows that you’re available to support them through challenges, which builds their confidence and ability to face difficult situations independently in the future.

2. Make Eye Contact

Eye contact is a simple yet powerful tool for building respect and connection. It tells your child that you are focused on them and that both your words and theirs matter. In our fast-paced lives, it's easy to rush through conversations without truly engaging. But eye contact fosters real connection—it is a non-verbal way of saying, “I see you, I’m here for you.”

How This Builds Resilience:

When children feel seen, they develop a stronger sense of self-worth. This validation helps them feel secure in who they are, making them more likely to stand up for themselves in challenging situations. Eye contact also builds emotional intelligence, teaching them to pick up on non-verbal cues in others—an essential skill for navigating social situations and understanding their own emotional landscape.

3. Listen—Really Listen

Children are used to being told what to do, but how often do we take the time to listen to what they have to say? Whether it’s a story about their day or a frustration with schoolwork, giving your child your full attention when they speak fosters mutual respect. When children feel heard, they are more likely to listen to others in return, creating a two-way street of communication.

How This Builds Resilience:

When we listen actively, we model problem-solving in action. By taking their concerns seriously, we empower them to voice their struggles. This validation of their experiences helps build emotional resilience because they learn that it's okay to express difficulties and that challenges can be worked through with support. Listening also helps children process emotions, which is critical in developing the mental flexibility needed to bounce back from setbacks.

4. Reflect Back What They’re Saying

After your child speaks, take a moment to reflect back what you’ve heard. This can be as simple as saying, “It sounds like you had a hard day,” or “You seem really excited about this project.” Reflecting back their feelings shows that you're not just hearing the words but understanding the emotions behind them. This fosters emotional connection and demonstrates empathy.

How This Builds Resilience:

Reflecting feelings helps children to name and manage their emotions—skills that are essential for resilience. When children understand their emotions, they are better equipped to handle life’s challenges. Reflective listening also teaches them to seek out support when they need it, reinforcing the idea that it’s okay to ask for help when things get tough.

5. Minimise Command Overload

From the moment they wake up, kids are bombarded with commands—get dressed, pack your bag, eat breakfast, go to school. By the time they get home, they’re often exhausted from being told what to do every moment of the day. Be mindful of how many commands you're giving at home and try to space them out, giving them some autonomy where possible.

How This Builds Resilience:

Allowing children to make decisions, even in small matters, builds their independence and decision-making skills. Autonomy is key to developing resilience, as it helps children learn to navigate choices and take responsibility for their actions. By reducing command overload, you give your child space to practice thinking for themselves, which fosters the resilience they’ll need when facing bigger life decisions in the future.

Respect and Resilience Are Two Sides of the Same Coin

At the heart of building respect and resilience is connection. When children feel connected to their parents, they develop a secure foundation from which to explore the world and take on new challenges. Respect is not something we can demand—it’s something we model. And in modeling respect, we also build resilience, because children learn that they are capable, worthy, and supported.

Children who grow up feeling respected are more likely to develop internal respect for themselves and others. This inner respect is the bedrock of resilience. When children believe in their own worth, they are more likely to take risks, try new things, and recover from failures. Resilience is not about avoiding challenges—it’s about knowing you can face them and come out the other side stronger.

Bringing It All Together

Moving from armchair parenting to engaged, present parenting doesn’t just improve communication—it fosters deeper emotional bonds and nurtures essential life skills in your child. By being present, making eye contact, actively listening, reflecting feelings, and reducing command overload, you not only build mutual respect but also create an environment where resilience can flourish.

Incorporating these small changes into your daily interactions with your children can help create an atmosphere of trust, respect, and connection. Being truly present encourages them to take notice, but more importantly, it allows you to understand their needs and challenges on a deeper level. As a result, you’re not just raising children who listen—you’re raising children who are equipped to navigate the complexities of life with confidence and resilience.

By showing up for our kids in meaningful ways, we model the resilience we want to see in them. And, in the process, we build the kind of relationship we all desire—one grounded in trust, respect, and, most importantly, connection.