What does resilience mean to you?

Is it that bouncing back after adversity? Is it powering through after a traumatic event like a death or divorce? For me it’s none of these things, Resilience is made up of components like Confidence, Empathy, Purpose, Community, and Contribution. How well we fair in these components is how high our resilience is, which is good news because it means we can build resilience and not just have to go through a trauma to get it.

Let me tell you a story about tribes.

When I was 14 my nanna was a manager at a very well know bakery, that has recently had a resurgence with its vegan sausage rolls! I was the youngest there and truth be told I wasn’t on the books. You see my nanna was an astute lady. She was getting cheap labour, training me up for when I was 16, and could go on the books. And when that day came, I knew every job in the store, I could bake pasties, make sandwiches, serve the customers, I did the rotas and of course, could make the coffee. I loved it as I was amongst a group of women, all older than me listening to their conversations, taking part in their lives. One girl who was about 2 years older than me Maddie, we became really good friends, I admired her, she went to university and showed me what was possible. She took me to my first concert (James – classic student anthem at the time "Sit Down") she was in my eyes sophisticated, clever, and everything I wanted to be.

You see some tribes we are thrust into; some we might happily stumble upon and other tribes we choose

Let’s fast forward 15 years and we were still friends, she was at one end of the country working in the houses of parliament and I was still in Manchester running my own private practice. I was married she was single and unbeknown to Maddie I was pregnant with my first child. I had arranged to meet her for dinner for the big reveal, we met up and instead of the shared excitement I was expecting – she was royally pissed off. That night I sat and reflected on this beautiful friend, looked back over the years, and wrote her an email. It went something like this.

Dear Maddie,

You know how much I have admired and loved you over the years. You have forged a path and shown me the way on so many things over the years. We have made so many memories together. Today when I wanted to share my newest adventure you were upset that I hadn’t told you before, and for that I’m sorry but I think we are not the people we once were and so it’s with lots of love in my heart that I wish you well but this is where our friendship journey ends

Take care, love always.

Ashley x

There were many reasons that it was right to end that friendship, and Jim Rohn says that we are the sum of 5 people we surround ourselves with. That is the people we spend the most time with, dominate our conversation, influence our beliefs, and have an impact on our self-esteem. And that was why I had to end my friendship with Maddie.

Think about today, who did you spend time with?

Is it someone you work with, or was it the person who sat next to you? Maybe it’s your kids or partner. Why is connection so important, why is finding our tribe so imperative? Research shows that loneliness is more deadly than obesity and smoking put together!

You see a friend once told me that life is like a train journey, some people hop on right at the beginning and ride for a few stops, that might be friends you have made in the nursery or your mum met at birthing classes.  It might be a friend you made at primary school that lasted all the way to year 9, it could be a friend that you met on holiday for that blissful sunny week, and some travel with us through life.

If we think of the 5 people you spend the most time with it could be your boss, your sister, your toddler, some will be there right to the end of your journey. Some you might have to kick off at the next stop.

Ask yourself on your journey do you have people who nourish you, feed you, and water your soul. Or do they leave you drained, are they mood hoovers sucking the life force out of you?

We have a choice in who influences us, often we play it safe with friends we have known for years, or toxic colleagues in a job we hate.

A researcher looked at why some people live longer than others, and why some areas of the world hold more people who reach their 100th birthday than others. There are a few different reasons like diet, exercise, etc. but the one constant is connection. Connection to those around us. A village in Italy boosts the oldest men in the world, they meet their friends every evening and have a glass of red before dinner, sounds good to me. In a small place in Japan, a group of friends vows to support each other emotionally and financially if they need. That’s amazing, isn’t it? All the blue zone areas have strong connections.

I am going to tell you about my 5 people

I have Sonia who keeps me grounded, she doesn’t care if I have published a book, or if I am standing on a stage delivering a talk. She is there for me and my kids and once flew 4500 miles to look after them when I had an operation.

Claire I met when she used to have a cigarette outside the shop my mum owned while waiting for her lunch, remember when people used to smoke! She once drove over an hour to deliver a cheese and onion pie when I was coming home from the hospital visiting my mum.

Sam is a friend who comes up with these big audacious ideas and drags me along for the ride. Constantly challenging me and stretching me to do more, do better.

Another friend Catherine, you all know her, she spoke just before me. We met early one morning flicking tea towels at each other at a boot camp. Since then, we have not only worked together and built a beautiful friendship, but she encourages me to look at the details and be a better version of myself.

Lastly, Tina I met years ago and we have laughed and drank plenty of gin over the years. She supported me when my firstborn was little, and she cried with me when my mum died.

I want you to look at your 5 – the people who you spend the most time with. Do you have someone that challenges you, someone you could call at 3 am, someone who adds lightness into your life, someone who encourages you to be the best version of yourself?

If life threw a curve ball at you, who would be there? Not just to nourish you with cheese and onion pies but hold you when you cry, who would motivate you to get off the couch when your feeling sorry for yourself

How do we create our 5? Well I’m going to let you into a secret, all of the friends I spoke about weren’t my friends first. I met them through other friends, don’t play it safe, ask someone for that coffee if you felt a connection – likely they did too.

I want to leave you with this: when life throws those challenges, how resilient you are will be based on how strong your 5 is. Those connections are what help us not just get through the bad times, but they wire our brains to cope with the hard things.

So I am going to leave you with this

If you have a strong tribe – then I say treasure them.

If you are not sure, then I want you to go out and claim them.

If you think you don’t have a tribe then know this, there is someone waiting to claim you, you might be surprised where you find them.